With a one-year, $250,000 Federal grant from the National Institutes Of Health (NIH), the National Research Council has issued a report titled: "Chimpanzees In Research: Strategies For Their Ethical Care, Management, And Use." And guess what this report has recommended? Go on, guess. Are you seated?

Well, this report urges that the Federal Government (that means us; our money) set up "a central office" which should assume the ownership of a majority of the chimpanzees that have been used in scientific research and --- provide them with "lifetime" care and management!

So, what, exactly, has prompted this absurd proposal? Well, you'll not be surprised, I assume, to learn that, first, the Feds, messed things up. The N.I.H., in 1986, launched a breeding program for chimps to meet a predicted increase in demand for these animals for AIDS research. But, guess what? This prediction was wrong. The need for these chimps was smaller than anticipated. So, now, there is an excess of chimps. There are approximately 1,500 of these critters housed in six biomedical facilities throughout the United States.

This oversupply, we are told, has created "substantial management problems" for the institutions where the chimps live. Daily care for each animal averages $15 to $30, and the cost of maintaining a chimp over the course of its expected 25 to 34 year life span can be as much as $300,000. Also, "overcrowding" at existing facilities increases the risk that the animals will pass infectious diseases to one another. And, and, captive chimpanzees cannot be returned to native habitats because they are unlikely to survive and could introduce new strains of disease to chimps in the wild.

Wow. And you thought you had problems! --- which, of course, you do because you (and I) are paying for all of this.

For openers, it is said there should be "long-term housing" for the chimps which should meet "high standards for quality of care" --- housing that "might span several decades." There should also be "provisions for the special behavioral, cognitive, social, and emotional needs (!)" of the chimps because all of this is "crucial to their well-being."

So, what to do? Well, since chimpanzees are "complex, social animals," they need "special housing" in order "to express a full-range of species-typical behaviors." This means "corrals" and "indoor-outdoor caging systems." And the indoor environment means, of course, "housing large enough to house all animals in case of inclement weather or repairs to outside areas." You mean these animals can't even be rained on?! I guess not.

Now, the "special considerations" --- as if the aforementioned are not already "special" enough. There should be "standards" for the proper chimp sanctuaries. All of them should be, among other things, inspected annually by the Department Of Agriculture. ("What does your Dad do? He's a chimp-inspector at the Agriculture Department").

There should also be "one animal-care technician per day for every 10-15 chimpanzees --- well-trained personnel to provide appropriate care --- seven days a week." Why? Because, silly, "the goal of all chimpanzee housing and management is a high degree of well-being." I mean, you wouldn't want our chimps to have problems with their self-esteem, would you?

But, just one "animal care technician" per 10-15 chimps, per day, is not sufficient. No way. It is also recommended that each staff facility include "a trained chimpanzee behaviorist" who can "evaluate" the "well-being" of "individual animals." And, and, all chimps should have implanted in them microchip identification and must be tracked "for life by a single agency." Sounds like a gross invasion of their privacy to me. I thought animals had "rights." I know Federal taxpayers don't. But, I thought animals do.

But, why do any of this? Well, because, we are told, there are "societal obligations" to chimps who are no longer needed for research or breeding. Thus, there must be "cooperative support from Federal agencies, Congress, commercial companies, and non-government organizations." Oh.

But, why not privatize all of this, let private industry do it, more effectively, efficiently, less expensively? Well, because "there is no one in the private sector who wants this chimpanzee population," according to Dr. Tom Wolfle, Director Of The Institute For Animal Research at the National Research Council.

Me: "So, why not do what the Interior Department has done regarding their problem with excess free-roaming wild horses and burros? They have an adoption program which lets our citizens adopt these creatures. Why not do this with these chimps?"

Wolfle: "Because many of these chimpanzees are infected with Hepatitis and the HIV (AIDS) virus."

Me: "So why not let people with Hepatitis and HIV/AIDS adopt these chimps then?"

Wolfle: "Well, that's a possibility. But, you don't just take the chimps in. You must provide a sanctuary for them."

Me: "Well, excuuuuuuuuuuse me! Of course --- a sanctuary. Do these chimps also have to have color TV, cable and free HBO?!"

Wolfle (laughing): "I wouldn't doubt it. I tell you, the standards for the care of animals in this country exceeds that of a lot of our poor people."

Indeed. And a lot of us are poorer because we have to pay Federal taxes to pay for this kind of wasteful nonsense!

It is also said that if the chimps were killed, some of the "best and most caring members of support staff would --- for personal and emotional reasons --- resign." Well, great! This would mean fewer Federal employees!

Speaking of "emotions," I'm getting a little "emotional" writing this. And the emotion I'm experiencing is anger. I'm angry that your hard-earned tax dollars and mine are spent to fund such a hare-brained report as this one. True, we need to use chimps for scientific research. I agree. But, why a Federal program? Where is this in the Constitution? It's not. This is one more example of expensive, wasteful "monkey business" by our national government. And it should cease. A barrel of monkeys may be fun. But, not "sanctuaries" of hundreds of older, useless, diseased, chimps --- especially when I am forced to pay for their retirement with my Federal tax dollars.

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